Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
