New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The Olympian is in my bed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
