Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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