A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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