so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
