When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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