There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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