dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i think i just lost a toe
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
