dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
