I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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