cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
