I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
