bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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