Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
