saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
