so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
