yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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