I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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