New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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