So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
