Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
