the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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