If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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