I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
