Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
