need another drink. this is the easiest way
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
