I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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