Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
