Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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