No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just high enough for therapy.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Randomize
