You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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