I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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