i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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