my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
