dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
