I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
