Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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