I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
