matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My first STD was from a foam party
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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