I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
