im having a threesome with these popsicles
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
