i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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