I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Found your dick twin last night
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
