sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
