you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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