Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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