Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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