I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
