I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
