he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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