You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
